Piranha DD (2012)

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Release Date: June 1, 2012

Director: John Gulager

Stars: Danielle Panabaker, Matt Bush, David Koechner

Runtime: 83 min

Tagline: Double the action. Double the terror. Double the D’s.

Piranha DD is serious garbage. One can notice this as soon as the camera starts rolling: there’s women dancing, in a news report for the chaos caused at Lake Victoria, then there’s an underwater camera through an underground cave, all the way to a new lake where two fishermen are walking through the swamp, and they find something that has eggs being laid or something like that, I really couldn’t tell what the hell was going on, all I know it was weird and not at all scary. Then all the sudden there’s Gary Busey biting a baby piranha’s head off and it’s very odd.

Then the real story begins, where the prehistoric hungry piranhas are going to attack one of Arizona’s biggest attractions, The Big Wet Water Park. Oh and, surprise surprise, there’s an adult pool there, where women are allowed to swim naked, and if you have double D’s, you get to swim free! One part-owner of the park is fairly strict, the young and beautiful Maddy (Danielle Panabaker) who unfortunately refused to take off her bikini, as did the supporting Katrina Bowden (well, she does, but we don’t see anything). But the other part-owner, Chet (David Koechner) is vastly irresponsible as he replaces qualified lifeguards with strippers and David Hasselhoff in order to produce maximum profit, and he to save money, he also gets his water from a local well, unknowingly inviting piranhas to swim free, as well as the Double D gals.

This sequel to Piranha is a little less bloody, a bit more disgusting, and it has more nudity. I think. There’s at least more pointless slow-motion sequences, and a decapitated head somehow motorboats a stripper’s double D’s for whatever pointless reason. It’s seriously just boobs and piranhas, and the entertainment is simply not there. Why produce a film like this? Do they think their target audience hasn’t heard of internet porn or the first film? It’s a pointless sequel that sets up a third film.

The writers try to put campy horror in there for viewers before the finale, but the scares and laughs are little to none. It’s just piranhas gnawing their teeth and trying to look intimidating. And one kind-of “kill” is very disgusting, and not because of the piranha, but because of the guy’s action. It’s ridiculous. It also is not rewarding in the slightest. Some characters’ motivations don’t make any sense, like one action that the deputy does. If you don’t mind, I’ll tell you one action of his, but I’ll be as discrete as possible. One person is in the pool during the “finale” begging to get out, but for some reason that doesn’t make a lick of sense, he abandons because he’s too stressed out. Why? How does that contribute to the film? Uh! Some of this is just so pointless! Don’t ask me why I watched it, because I really couldn’t tell you! It’s seventy-one minutes of agony!

The finale when the piranhas attack isn’t even good. It’s supposed to be the best part of the film, it’s why people watch this garbage. Instead, it lasts fifteen minutes, maybe. The lead-up to it is too long, and when the so-called chaos does arrive, it isn’t rewarding in the slightest. The bloopers almost felt longer than that scene.

The filmmakers remade an apparent great horror film with the first, and it was mediocre at best. However, they come up with this horrendous sequel. Why? Just because the James Cameron-directed sequel, Piranha Part II: The Spawning is apparently very bad, does not mean you have to make an awful sequel to a mediocre first outing.

I was never for a minute scared, and I might have laughed three times at sophmoric jokes (Christopher Lloyd commenting that his video is more popular than a Laughing Diarrhea Baby on Youtube, Hasselhoff calling a kid a “little ginger moron” [even though it gets tedious after a while] and he doing a kind-of parody of his Baywatch days). It’s really just garbage. The redeeming qualities are limited to Ving Rhames’ just okay cameo, Christopher Lloyd’s also just-okay cameo, Panabaker being her attractive self, one character being killed by a trident to the head (it’s seriously awesome!) and David Hasselhoff who kind-of poorly plays himself. He has a few funny lines, and it’s somewhat silly when he’s so surprised that some kid thinks he’s just another life guard. There’s a line about the film (but I think it’s really about his career), where he says, “Welcome to rock bottom.” Yes man, welcome yourself to the bottom of the barrel, this movie is crap.You’re not the most popular star like you think you are, but you could probably nab a threesome.

12/100