Scary Movie 5 (2013)

Scary Movie 5Release Date: April 12, 2013. Director: Malcolm D. Lee. Stars: Ashley Tisdale, Simon Rex, Charlie Sheen. Runtime: 85 min. Tagline: Evil is coming. Bring protection.

This quote from Billy Madison, said by the Principal to Madison, sums up my thoughts on this film really well (I have paraphrased it extensively), “Mr. Zucker, your movie is one of the most insanely bad films I have ever seen. At no point in your god-awful excuse for a comedy were you even close to anything that could be considered a hilarious joke. Everyone who sat through this is now dumber for having seen it. I award your movie no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.”

In the parody sub-genre that’s already standing on a thin wire, Scary Movie 5 comes into play and curses the world. It’s not refreshing or witty. It’s sophomoric, tedious and, worst of all, painfully unfunny. The filmmakers reach to the very bottom-of-the-barrel for laughs. There are many fart jokes, and you’ll forget every joke one minute after they say it. The jokes are everything a ten year-old boy might find hysterical.

The jokes are unfunny, they don’t conquer any punch-line because there isn’t one, and they’re so, so predictable. If a man stands under a frying pan, what should one expect to happen? There’s also a scene shared between Snoop Dogg and Mac Miller where they are escaping from pot farmers after they steal a giant blunt from their harvest. As a hiding place, Dogg sees a cabin in the woods in the distance, and suggests they go there. Miller replies, “I don’t know, that reminds me of a horror movie I once saw…” Dogg would suggest a title, “Texas Chainsaw Massacre?” To which Miller says, “No, the one with the cabin in the woods!” This goes on for what feels like ten minutes, until Dogg gets fed up. He seems like a saviour to the audience for stopping this nonsense, but he’s still the one who’s in the movie. We get that, yes, there are 30+ horror movies that have a cabin in the woods in it. Thank you, Zucker, but do you have to show us that in this predictable, lazy and endlessly tedious exchange?

This is such an embarrassment, so much that, everyone involved should move to a country where movies are unheard of, change their name and live the rest of their lives there. Mostly because when this is as bad as Disaster Movie or Meet the Spartans, one knows their movie won’t be a success. When you request more Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen, your movie is terrible. It’s also terrible if the strongest scene is a poor “comedic” sex scene shared between those two, where they inexplicably rustle around under the covers, and soon enough midgets and even a small horse join the fun. Whoever thought “Haha, hey, this is going to be really funny!” should be hit by a car, or, if that’s too extreme, fired.

Following the norm, spoof movies always have meaningless characters and a haphazard plot that just makes fun of movies that are way better than it. Some of the movies that are spoofed include: Black Swan, Mama, Evil Dead, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Inception, Paranormal Activity 4, The Cabin in the Woods, and Insidious, among others. This takes seventy minutes to get to the end, and it feels like a two-hour runtime. This is what torture feels like. The fact that the ten-minute blooper reel is miraculously more painful than the movie itself, is baffling.

There’s very little that this has to offer. It spoofs movie after movie, and even ones the writers aren’t smart enough to understand. One of these titles include Black Swan. Darren Aronofsky’s style of cinematography is mocked by filming Tisdale walking to an audition, and she just begins to walk in reverse. It’s not funny. It’s indubitably stupid. It’s no wonder that none of the original cast members are a part of this, and to make it even more offensive… They make an obnoxious character that is an obvious knock-off of Regina Hall’s Brenda Meeks (this character is called Kendra Brooks). Simon Rex is from the third and fourth Scary Movie, and he’s somehow even worse now. No one in this movie is funny. At all. Especially not Ashley Tisdale. Who would have thought one person could miss Anna Farris so, so much?

There’s little good that can be said about this movie. It’s in focus, sure. It’s the first spoof movie (and hopefully the last) that mocks 2013’s Mama and Evil Dead. However, that’s also one of the movie’s most idiotic choices. Evil Dead might be considered a remake, but it’s more of a reboot and since it was only released April 5, that means the filmmakers have to do a few last-minute, amateurish adjustments to fit it into the storyline. Also, if Evil Dead is still in theatres, wouldn’t it only be logical to go and watch the real thing and not this piece of crap? Mama is also not a prominent horror movie in popular culture just yet, and it isn’t nearly as popular as Insidious or Paranormal Activity. These are some of the filmmaker’s biggest screw-ups because the audience likes to be aware of which movie  is being mocked.

The fact that this movie is not R-rated is an absolute farce. There is one f-bomb and non-stop sexual humour throughout. (Even some of the swear words throughout are bleeped, which is RIDICULOUS for a Hollywood production.)

The movie’s masterwork could be the narrator, who might or might not be Morgan Freeman. It isn’t. It’s an impersonator. It’s really stupid. Filmmakers, if you can’t get Morgan Freeman to narrate your movie, either follow Seth MacFarlane’s decision and settle for Patrick Stewart, or, I don’t know, don’t have a narrator at all!

This is not only the worst addition to the Scary Movie franchise, Worst Movie of the Year Contender, but a Worst Film of All-Time Contender. I also sincerely hope this is where the franchise ends. This movie makes me want to find the Book of the Dead, recite every phrase in that book, and unleash demons onto the world. I’ll read it in Latin, English, Greek, French, Clik-Clak, Japanese, Italian, Spanish, Cherokee, Taushiro; all languages so it wakes up foreign demons, and it stops at least some of the world from experiencing this lazy and dreadful movie.

0/100

November 9-11 Box Office Results

Skyfall raked in a majority of the dough this weekend, with $90 million (including Thursday’s earnings)! It so deserved it, too, because it’s just about one of the finest action films of the year, and it is generally one of the best of the year as well! And Lincoln took in an impressive $900, 000 at eleven theatres this weekend. Also, at least surprising to me, Pitch Perfect sneaked into the Top 10 this weekend at #8, but that’s pretty sweet for it!   Well, now to the numbers!

And, if you missed any of my reviews of the movies in the Top 10 Box Office, just click the link on the title and it will lead you right to it!

Top 10 Box Office, The Results (Estimates)

1. Skyfall: $87, 800, 000

2. Wreck-It Ralph$33, 056, 000

3. Flight: $15, 100, 000

4. Argo$6, 745, 000

5. Taken 2$4, 000, 000

6. Here Comes the Boom$2, 550, 000

7. Cloud Atlas$2, 525, 000

8. Pitch Perfect$2, 504, 000

9. The Man with the Iron Fists$2, 490, 000

10. Hotel Transylvania$2, 350, 000

My Box Office Predictions (Title/Prediction/Off by(+/-))

1. Skyfall/ $85, 000, 000(-) $2, 800, 000

2. Wreck-It Ralph$42, 800, 000(+) $9, 744, 000

3. Flight$19, 000, 000(+) $3, 900, 000

4. Argo$8, 500, 000(+) $1, 755, 000

5. Taken 2$5, 000, 000(+) $1, 000, 000

6. Here Comes the Boom$2, 250, 000(-) $300, 000

7. Cloud Atlas$4, 200, 000(+) $1, 675, 000

9. The Man with the Iron Fists$6, 200, 000(+) $3, 710, 000

10. Hotel Transylvania$3, 100, 000(+) $750, 000

Other Predictions: 

11. Paranormal Activity 4$2, 800, 000(+) $780, 000

15. Lincoln$328, 000(-) $572, 000

I was off by a grand total of $25, 634, 000.

Did any of you get to the theatres this weekend, or have any time to watch any movies (in general)?

My reviews of other films in theatres

Chasing Mavericks

The Dark Knight Rises

End of Watch

House at the End of the Street

Looper

The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Seven Psychopaths

Sinister

Ted

Trouble with the Curve

I’ve been putting these reviews at the bottom of my results article because I’m trying to get a little bit more traffic for them (in case you readers missed the reviews). And I, just now, realized by revealing the scores, it isn’t any good at getting more traffic. Who wants to read a review when they already know the score I gave it? I don’t think I’d do very well working in advertising…

Box Office Results: October 19 – 21

Paranormal Activity 4 took the top spot at the box office this weekend with a disappointing $30.2 million. But, the joke’s on the audience, because they just paid to see the same film for a fourth time. The other new release, Alex Cross, took 11.75 million at the box office. These two films performed poorly for the critical audience. The other new release, The Sessions, was well-acclaimed and earned $121, 000 at four theatres. All 41 films in theatres right now made for a[n] (estimated) weekend grand total of $129, 584, 600.

Top 10 Box Office, The Results (Estimates)

1. Paranormal Activity 4$30, 200, 000

2. Argo$16, 625, 000

3. Hotel Transylvania$13, 500, 000

4. Taken 2$13, 400, 000

5. Alex Cross$11, 750, 000

6. Sinister: $9, 030, 000

7Here Comes the Boom$8, 500, 000

8. Pitch Perfect$7, 009, 000

9. Frankenweenie$4, 434, 000

10Looper$4, 200, 000

Other two films I predicted: 

Seven Psychopaths$3, 305, 000

The Sessions$121, 000

My Box Office Predictions (Title/My Prediction/Off by (+/-))

(Legends:

I will use the + sign if I estimated too high.

Ex: If I estimated PA4 at $31, 200, 000, I’d put: (+$1,000,000)

I will use the – sign if I estimated too low.

Ex: If I estimated PA4 at $29, 200, 000, I’d put: (-$1,000,000)

Comprendé?) And let me know if I should be doing it the other way, haha. 

1. Paranormal Activity 4/$54, 000, 000/ (+) $23, 800, 000

2. Argo$18, 000, 000/ (+) $1, 375, 000

3. Hotel Transylvania$12, 000, 000/ (-) $1, 500, 000

4. Taken 2/ $16, 000, 000/ (+) $2, 600, 000

5. Alex Cross/ $14, 500, 000/ (+) $2, 750, 000

6. Sinister$15, 800, 000(+) $6, 770, 000

7. Here Comes the Boom/ $10, 000, 000(+) $1, 500, 000

8. Pitch Perfect$8, 000, 000(+) $991,000

9. Frankenweenie$6, 000, 000(+) $1, 566, 000

10. Looper/ $5, 000, 000(+) $800, 000

Seven Psychopaths$3, 800, 000(+) $495, 000

The Sessions$45, 000(-) $76, 000

So, for this weekend, I was off by a grand total of $44, 223, 000. If my calculations are accurate (I at least think they are).

My reviews of films in theatres

Argo 

House at the End of the Street

Looper 

Perks of Being a Wallflower, The

Seven Psychopaths

Ted

And expect my review of Pitch Perfect for tomorrow or Tuesday.

October 19 – 21 Box Office Predictions

Alex Cross

Alex Cross

Plot: A detective is told that a member of his family has been killed, and he vows to track down that killer.

Alex Cross is an action/mystery/thriller film, directed by Rob Cohen (director of xXx, The Fast and the Furious). It sounds a bit like a good-old-fashioned revenge story, doesn’t it? I’m not sure if I’ll be itching to see it this weekend, but maybe eventually. The Alex Cross universe has been created by the author James Patterson. The character of Cross has previously appeared in the films Kiss the Girls (1997) and Along Came a Spider (2001). Kiss the Girls opened to $13 million, and its final gross was around $60.5 million. Along Came a Spider opened to the sound of $16 million, and grossed a little over $74 million. Either film didn’t perform too well for critics, but the audience apparently liked it. Alex Cross is opening to 2400 theatres. In K.T.G. and A.C.A.S., Morgan Freeman portrayed Alex Cross. Now, we are given Tyler Perry to portray Cross. What the heck? He might not sound as heavenly as Freeman, but maybe he’ll do well. This is the first time he’s really trying to get out of his genre of comedy and family drama, so it might be good for him. Then again, people might not be used to him not cracking too many jokes or wearing a wig and a female fat suit half the movie. Matthew Fox may also be pretty interesting in his role as a psychopathic killer. There isn’t really a good detective mystery/thriller out there right now, so this may rake in an audience (that is, if the audience isn’t watching Paranormal Activity 4). I’m predicting $14.5 million.

Paranormal Activity 4Paranormal Activity 4

Plot: It has been five years since the disappearance of Katie Hunter, and a suburban family witness strange events in their neighborhood when a woman and a mysterious child move in.

I’m really getting sick and tired of these films. They look really pointless. I haven’t seen any of them, but I don’t like the idea of it. These darn Hollywood guys just want money. Who can blame them though… This looks like a point in the series where it turns out to be strictly for the fans, because the plot sounds very uninteresting to me, an anti-lover of this series. I mean, you won’t see me at this movie even on a cheap Tuesday. Okay, enough of my P.A. hatred rant, let’s talk the numbers! P.A.4 is being released to over 3000 theaters. Paranormal Activity grossed over $190 million worldwide, but only made $77,873 to twelve theatres in its opening weekend. And then, there was the second one: $40 million in its opening weekend and a worldwide gross of $177 million (but apparently it was nowhere as good as the first). The third: opened to $52 million, and a domestic gross of $104 million. Considering the substantial rises in grosses and opening weekends, and the amount of times this film has trended on Twitter, it should make a pretty nice amount of money this weekend (despite its moderately poor critic reception). My prediction for this is $54 million.

The Sessions

Plot: A man in an iron lung who wishes to lose his virginity contacts a professional sex surrogate with the help of his therapist and priest.

The festival reception for The Sessions has been really great. The film is getting a very small release to four theatres. The film is written and directed by Ben Lewin, who is best known for writing and directing Georgia, and The Favour, the Watch and the Very Big Fish. What do the numbers for that though? I’m not going to estimate the opening weekend results to be very high. My prediction is $45, 000.

BOX OFFICE TOP 10 PREDICTIONS

Title/Prediction/Studio/Rotten Tomatoes Score
1. Paranormal Activity 4 – $54 million/Paramount/43%
2. Argo – $18 million/Warner Brothers/94%
3. Taken 2 – $16.5 million/Fox/21%
4. Sinister – $15.8 million/Summit Entertainment/63%
5. Alex Cross – $14.5 million/Summit Entertainment
6. Hotel Transylvania – $12 million/Sony/43%
7. Here Comes the Boom – $10 million/Sony/43%
8. Pitch Perfect – $8 million/Universal/77%
9. Frankenweenie – $6 million/Buena Vista/87%
10. Looper – $5 million/TriStar/93%

Also, I believe Seven Psychopaths is going to make $3.8 million.

Do you readers have any thoughts on my predictions, or any predictions of your own?

Are you guys going to have a chance to go to the theatre this weekend; and if so, which film would you most want to see? Myself, I’m trying to see Sinister and End of Watch or something. Maybe Trouble with the Curve. I’d also like to see Dredd before it comes to home media.

And what’s your favourite film in theaters right now? Myself, I’d have to say The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Side note: This question may be embarrassing; but I’ve never really known and I’d so appreciate an answer. When it’s a domestic number, is it the United States AND Canada, or just the U.S.A.?