Sinkhole de mayo! Slaughterhouse Rulez (2019), The Hole in the Ground (2019)

Note: I wanted to post a couple shorter reviews today (well, the review of “The Hole in the Ground” is the usual length but “Slaughterhouse Rulez” is much shorter) because both of these horror films have sinkholes in them. So, there’s that!

Slaughterhouse Rulez. Released: May 17, 2019. Directed by: Crispian Mills. Starring: Finn Cole, Asa Butterfield, Simon Pegg. Runtime: 1h 44 min.

Note about this post. My reviews usually always have me talking a bit about the plot, so there are some (minor) spoilers, so you’ve been warned. 

This is one helluva forgettable horror comedy mashup. Honestly, I watched this in April so that’s a reason, but I’m convinced I forgot everything about this within a week.

Basically, there’s a guy named Don Wallace (Finn Cole) who’s accepted to a prestigious British boarding school called Slaughterhouse School. That’s the first red flag. A headmaster named The Bat (Michael Sheen) instructs that the forest near the school is a restricted area. If you needed a reason to make this feel like “Harry Potter,warning students not to go into a restricted forest is one of them.

It’s restricted because of the fracking going back on there. A fracking company has created a giant sinkhole. When they dig too deep, they release some horrors onto the academy. The big problem of “Slaughterhouse Rulez” is that it doesn’t get into any horror until an hour in besides foreshadowing like school rumours. The horror is mediocre at best when it arrives, but this holds little entertainment value.

It wastes a lot of time on a weird academy hierarchy that Willoughby Blake (Asa Butterfield) aptly explains to Wallace. The popular Clemsie Lawrence (Hermione Corfield) is the apple of Don’s eye, but a popular guy named Clegg (Tom Rhys Harries), who I think is dating Clemsie, won’t allow that. Again, if there’s anything you need to compare this to Harry Potter, it’s this Clegg jackass who is basically a more irritating version of Draco Malfoy.

The film also wastes a lot of time on professor Meredith Houseman (Simon Pegg). There’s nothing wrong, usually, with dedicating a lot of time to Simon Pegg, but when his character is mostly just trying to keep his relationship afloat with Audrey (Margot Robbie with little screen time), it just gets pointless. The film just wastes Pegg. Nick Frost has a couple of laughs in a bit role, but he’s still wasted. And wasting those talents is what is most unforgivable here.

Score: 40/100

The Hole in the Ground. Released: March 1, 2019. Directed by: Lee Cronin. Starring: Seána Kerslake, James Quinn Markey, Kati Outinen. Runtime: 1h 30 min.

“The Hole in the Ground” follows Sarah O’Neill (Seána Kerslake) who is just moving to the Irish countryside with her son, Chris (James Quinn Markey). Deep in the woods behind their home, they find a gigantic sinkhole with no real reason of being there.

Soon after finding it, Chris starts displaying bizarre behaviour and she thinks it has something to do with the sinkhole. Some of Chris’ bizarre behaviour, as seen in the trailer, is him crawling around on all fours and eating a spider. Bizarre, sure, but even more-so when you consider he’s terrified of spiders at the beginning of the film. You never know, he could just be getting over his fear in a unique way. Or something’s wrong with him.

It’s a Creepy Kid horror film, so it’s surely the latter. Even at 90 minutes, the film is very slow burn. I think that’s a given nowadays for the studio A24. Though, this was an A24 acquisition after production, but it just happens to suit its usual pacing for horror films well. It puts emphasis on a creepy atmosphere. This is one of the creepiest atmospheres for a Creepy Kid movie I’ve seen since “Home Alone.” I’m joking, Macaulay, though you’re hella creepy in “The Good Son.” Writer-director Lee Cronin, and co-writer Stephen Shields, do an admirable job with the atmosphere.

The Creepy Kid tropes are all here, but there aren’t a lot of friends for Sarah to confide in that this might not be Christopher. However, there’s an old kook in the woods the townsfolk have nicknamed Walkie Talkie, birthname Noreen Brady (Kati Outinen) who claims her late son James just changed and was convinced he was an imposter. Her husband Des (James Cosmo, “Game of Thrones”) has some great lines when he tells Sarah that it was something only a mother would notice. Her describes her noticing things as “pebbles until it becomes a landslide.”

The film’s unique for a Creepy Kid horror film and the atmosphere is strong, but it’s rather boring throughout because not a lot happens. A highlight during the first hour is an unsettling talent show. You have to get through about an hour of often boring creepiness for 20 minutes of action. The finale is unique and is the first time the film promises to be really scary because of a fear of the unknown. Some of the lore here is also rather interesting.

The last 20-plus minutes, atmosphere and the acting are really the only strong aspects here, and that’s not enough for me to ever re-visit this. One good thing can be said about the atmosphere, because if it were not so strong, I probably would have fell asleep halfway through. As for the acting, Seána Kerslake is good as Sarah who’s just really curious to know what the heck’s happened to her son. Her anxiety is strong and she holds a strong head through it all.

James Quinn Markey does a great job of being convincing enough that he could be Christopher. And I almost felt bad for him when Sarah literally runs away from him, even though he’s getting up to creepy shit the entire time. One plus for the acting is that I didn’t find him irritating, which is a big plus in my book for these films. Kudos, kid, you’re not annoying.

Score: 60/100

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Crawl (2019)

Released: July 12, 2019. Directed by: Alexandre Aja. Starring: Kaya Scodelario, Barry Pepper, Ross Anderson. Runtime: 1h 27 min.

In Florida, a Category 5 hurricane has just hit. Haley (Kaya Scodelario) goes to check on the well-being of her estranged father, Dave (Barry Pepper). She finds him unconscious in the crawlspace of their childhood home but cannot get him out because she realizes they’re trapped in there with alligators, and the crawlspace is going to flood… Cue the thrills.

Tornadoes and sharks (“Sharknado”). Hurricanes and heists (“The Hurricane Heist”). Even clowns and tornadoes (“Clownado,” yes, it’s a real movie). It’s all the rage these days to mesh these things together in campy B-movies. “Crawl” is already one step ahead of the rest by not naming itself “Gatorcane.”

“Crawl” is a smarter title because I love dual meanings. I’d assumed it was called Crawl because gators crawl around. But when watching this, I realized it’s also called that because a lot of it takes place in a crawlspace. I smiled because dumb stuff like that makes me happy.

This film is unique is in the way that it doesn’t want to be a B-movie like “Sharknado.”. The film takes its stakes seriously, but it finds a way to be very fun. The premise also feels fresh. I wasn’t expecting a one-location thrill ride for most of the film. The threat of flooding adds stakes and claustrophobia, too.

Writing duo and brothers Michael and Shawn Rasmussen utilize the sets well for the characters. They know when to have some great, tense set pieces inside the house, and when to take scenes onto the streets, where we catch up with some looters. Alexandre Aja brings great direction to these scenes and the film in general.

The combination of a hurricane and alligators is plausible here. There’s a believable reason as to why the gators are in the crawlspace. The house has been left alone for awhile as it’s been in escrow and the gators found their way in from the swamp. When Dave comes back to the house, the gators are already there. This just happens to be during a hurricane.

Haley passes an alligator farm on the way to the house so if you would have told me the hurricane destroyed a gate and they escaped, I would have believed that, too. I’m pretty sure these gators join the party later, anyway. The gators themselves look very fine, by the way. They definitely look believable enough on the $13 million budget.

The film does a great job of balancing thrills of a disaster movie for fans of those films and it will also satisfy the fans looking for a fun summer season creature feature. I know you’re here for the gators or the hurricane, but we should talk about the humans. Scodelario and Pepper play their roles well and the estranged father/daughter dynamic is strong. Their chemistry also strengthens as the film moves along. There’s also a coach dynamic which offers standoffish tension in the relationship.

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Kaya Scodelario in “Crawl.” (IMDb)

Haley is a competitive swimmer and Dave’s coached her throughout her career. Her being a swimmer also gives her a very particular set of skills for this situation (skills that make her a nightmare for gators like them), and that’s the most convenient thing about the film. The idea of her out-swimming the gators isn’t super plausible, but it’s interesting. I mean if Michael Phelps, the fastest man in a pool, can almost beat a great white shark, surely this unknown competitive swimmer has a fighting chance at outrunning Florida’s meanest gator community, right? Right? Tune in Sunday at 8 p.m. on Gator Week to find out!

There are some strong character beats and dialogue about her being an apex predator and needing to have a better mentality to win is fascinating. This aspect brings out some solid one-liners and the coach pep talks made me feel amped up. I really wanted to punch some gators. In one scene they talk about their relationship. It’s a surprisingly lovely character moment. Before it gets too sappy, Dave says, “We’re gonna beat these lizard-brained shits.”

I think that’s the right mentality for the film: Have enough character development that we care about these people and give us some nice moments, but then straighten out the priorities and get right back into kick-ass gator action. It’s in the character building that the film threatens to be boring when it gets too dialogue heavy. There aren’t many scenes like that, and the horror set pieces are diverse enough and the obstacles introduced entertaining enough to make up for it.

It’s also important that we don’t care too much about the stars because we want to see them get munched on. It wouldn’t be fun if they got out of this without looking like they just survived Hell in a Cell (Brawl-space in a Crawlspace?) with a bunch of gators. Don’t fret, though, because any audience appetites for bloody action will be satisfied with the poor expendable characters. More importantly, the gator’s appetites are satisfied, too. And that’s really what makes the world go ‘round.

Score: 75/100

eXistenZ (1999)

Directed by: David Cronenberg. Starring: Jude Law, Jennifer Jason Leigh, Ian Holm. Runtime: 1h 37 min. Released: April 23, 1999.

I’ll start off by saying I did not fully understand “eXistenZ.Basically, Allegra Geller (Jennifer Jason Leigh) is premiering this virtual reality video game called eXistenZ (roll credits) that’s a huge deal but then the goth-looking guy (Kris Lemche) from “Final Destination 3” attempts to assassinate her and she goes on the run with Ted Pikul (Jude Law). He’s a marketing trainee but also her protection. Then, they must play her own game to make sure it’s not damaged.

I think my main problem with this film is the fact that the world’s rules aren’t well established. There aren’t rules to the game and it’s all so ambiguous. We’re not even given the premise of this new game, either, as it seems just the fact that Geller is releasing a new game is reason enough to buy it. She’s like a god in this world.

The world itself that David Cronenberg creates is just strange. The way they play Allegra’s virtual reality game is through these game pods that are made out of recycled animal and amphibian organs. They look like little stomach’s and they’re rather unsettling.

What’s stranger is where these little creepy pods have to be plugged in for the user to play the game. They’re plugged into a hole in your spinal cord called a bio-port (the film shows this can be an oddly erotic thing). No one’s born with this bio-port, it’s done surgically so these characters can play video games. And we’re supposed to believe people do this willingly. If that’s what it took to play video games in the real world, man. I’ll say goodbye to all video games and just stick with movies. That’s a hard pass.

That’s the kind-of the stance Ted Pikul takes as well, because he has a phobia of being penetrated surgically. Honestly, he’s the only normal one in this world because of that. Law and Jason Leigh carry the film well as their characters. Other supporting players like Ian Holm, Christopher Eccleston, Willem Dafoe and Don McKellar are good.

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Jude Law in “eXistenZ.” (IMDb)

The story itself and plot structure feels very fluid and moves at a fast pace. There’s a lot of action and it’s a really bizarre sci-fi thriller than anything horror in the traditional sense. The outline of important events feel compact in this admittedly thin plot, and there’s not a lot of dead space in the film. Some of it isn’t always interesting and some stuff doesn’t make a lot of sense, either.

I think that’s my problem. When I don’t understand something fully it hinders my enjoyment and I didn’t understand a lot of stuff here. It’s not that it’s a bad movie. It’s very well-made and well-directed by David Cronenberg, this just isn’t a world I’d want to immerse myself in again.

It’s a fine ride for one watch as it consistently keeps you guessing if they’re really in the real world or in the game world. And I was usually intrigued even if I didn’t love what was going on. The end of the film is the most memorable part in this. and there was a lot of stuff that I found interesting – especially the gun made out of flesh and bone that shoots human teeth. Just that sentence alone should tell you how creative “eXistenZ” truly is. I also never thought I’d see video game consoles that look like living, breathing organisms. Honestly, I wish I didn’t see them, because the noises they make and the way they look are hella creepy.

Score: 60/100

The Dead Don’t Die (2019)

The Dead Don’t Die. Directed by: Jim Jarmusch. Starring: Bill Murray, Adam Driver, Chloë Sevigny. Runtime: 1h 44 min. Released: June 14, 2019.

My reviews usually contain spoilers so you’ve been warned about that. However, here, I don’t really talk about a lot of the major plot points because nothing really happens. 

This is the first Jim Jarmusch film that I’ve seen and man, I should not have started with this one.

In Centreville, seemingly the only crime reports are Hermit Bob (Tom Waits) causing trouble. But more trouble comes for the town, especially for Officer Ronnie Peterson (Adam Driver) and Chief Cliff Robertson (Bill Murray) when the dead start raising from their graves.

Usually there’s no reason given for why the dead come back to life, and that probably would have worked better for this. Jarmusch uses it as a commentary on the environment, as there’s polar fracking that’s affecting the daylight and everyone comments on it and keeps commenting on it.

It’s a strange set-up, but what’s stranger is that the reason for the dead coming back to life is the polar fracking and because it’s throwing the Earth off its axis. This becomes such a big thing that we get about five or six hints about this before someone literally says the zombies are here because of the polar fracking.

That doesn’t make much sense to me, and just explaining it as they’re zombies, it’s what they do, come back to life is a more believable explanation. One unique thing it brings to zombies is that, since they’re coming back to life because the Earth axis being affected, when they’re killed, blood doesn’t come out. Dirt flows out.

That’s a bit of the on-the-nose commentary you can expect here, but in dialogue it’s usually brought up by Hermit Bob (“the ant colonies are all jacked up like it’s the end of the world.”) By the end of the film, Jarmusch also shoehorns commentary on capitalism as well, the usual staple of George A. Romero’s zombie films.

In this, it’s not subtle. I don’t think I’ve ever seen anything as pretentious as Hermit Bob watching the carnage of the zombie horde from the woods and monologuing about the zombies just being hungry for more stuff and basically recapping the film (“remnants of the materialist people, zombies all along.”)

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Adam Driver in “The Dead Don’t Die.” (IMDb)

I don’t know enough about Jarmusch to know if this is always his level of subtlety, but it’s bizarre. His dry sense of humour is unique but I’m not a fan of it. I like dry humour just fine, but it should be funny. For the most part, the film isn’t funny for me. There are a couple of visual things I liked, like when Ronnie pulls up in a smart car. But there aren’t many laughs at all. The humour is more-so just annoying because it repeats so many jokes.

There’s a recurring thing when the film’s original song “The Dead Don’t Die” by Sturgill Simpson plays. It’s a great song and I thought the film was named after it, because it sounds like an old song, but it’s an original song. Everyone always comments “oh, I love this song.” It’s funny the first time it’s used but when the bit is used about six times, it gets old. Same with when Ronnie says “This isn’t going to end well.” He literally says it seven times by the end of it. It’s played for a pay-off joke near the end which might be amusing to people who like the film.

But it didn’t pay off for me because by that point, I was so bored by the film I didn’t care about anything happening on-screen. It’s just one of the most boring films I’ve ever seen. Nothing really happens. The comedy never worked for me and it’s the least scary zombie film I’ve seen. It’s an honest shame, too, because the cast is filled with a lot of funny people.

Adam Driver and Bill Murray play off each other well enough for what the dialogue allows them to do. Tilda Swinton’s a highlight as a samurai-wielding coroner who is just weird and gets weirder as the film progresses. Chloë Sevigny is totally fine for the first half but the character is just dull. Near the end, she’s whining so much and complaining at everything that happens that I honestly couldn’t wait for her to get eaten by the zombies. Am I a bad person? Probably, but if you’ve seen this, you’ll know what I mean.

Donald Glover and Caleb Landry Jones are fine as their characters who hole up in a hardware store when the zombies descend. The criminally underused include Steve Buscemi and especially Selena Gomez. Her arc isn’t even concluded well. There’s also an arc with three kids at a detention centre that you won’t give two shits about. That’s what “The Dead Don’t Die” is for me, a boring film that I didn’t give two shits about.

Score: 38/100

Tone-Deaf (2019)

Directed by: Richard Bates Jr. Starring: Amanda Crew, Robert Patrick, Kim Delaney. Runtime: 1h 27 min. Released: August 23, 2019.

It feels like in every neighborhood there’s a curmudgeonly old fart sitting in a rocking chair on his porch ranting about something. “How the Grinch Stole Christmas” had the Grinch up on Mount Crumpit, shouting down at the Who’s. “Gran Torino” had Clint Eastwood, telling everyone to get off his lawn. “Tone-Deaf” has Harvey (Robert Patrick) who constantly breaks the fourth wall to monologue about how terrible millennials are. Sorry, Mr. T-1000, we don’t mean to be terrible.

Olive (Amanda Crew), a millennial has just broken up with her boyfriend and has just lost her job – she just got fired on a Thursday, before free lunch Friday (!) – so rents a house for a weekend getaway away from the city. The renter is crazy baby-boomer widow Harvey. It sets up an intergenerational clash because Harvey may be a curmudgeonly old asshole and widow, but he’s also a long john wearin’, millennial swearin’ psychopath. He seems like he’s been nutty for awhile but his reason for now wanting to be a psychopath, you ask?

He looks at the screen and says that he’s done everything “but I haven’t killed a person. That’s one itch I haven’t got around to scratching.” I’ve never been on a roller coaster but you don’t see me lining up to go on one. But I also don’t want to, so to each their own, I guess. His motives to kill aren’t strong. The only reasons given are his hate for millennials and the fact that dementia is settling in, but the dementia part is dangerous to use as a motive.

The only thing “Tone-Deaf” has to offer is its generational commentary, as it elevates it above a plain horror film. Even that isn’t very good, though. It’s mostly just hateful monologues from Robert Patrick. He’s introduced poorly to us by asking the screen, “Want to be a conduit of change? Go drink a gallon of bleach… As long as you millennials leave the hard work to my generation, the least you can do is sacrifice yourselves.” His rants and a brief political observation service as the commentary but it’s mean-spirited and not clever. But am I, as a millennial, proving the film’s point for thinking it’s mean-spirited when it’s just tongue-in-cheek commentary?

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Robert Patrick in “Tone-Deaf.” (IMDb)

I’m not sure, I just know I didn’t like this. His rants just feel try-hardy and like he’s listing pet peeves of the writer/director Richard Bates Jr., though “sunglasses are for the outside” is an amusing observation. At one point, Olive the millennial gives us a fourth-wall breaking rant about baby boomers. The film doesn’t work when it’s just shoving its ideas down our throats.

It doesn’t work when it’s being subtle, either, but it feels smarter. The best aspect is a major quirk of Olive’s character and the reasoning for the title. She loves playing the piano but the catch is, she’s terrible. Just tone-deaf (like most of the film). However, she’s a millennial so no one’s ever told her that she’s bad because they don’t want to ruin any of her dreams.

It’s the only interesting thing about her character, or any character, as she’s just a basic, bratty millennial who wants to get away for a weekend. Crew plays it fine, and I’ve liked her since “Sex Drive” but she can’t do much with the dialogue, that’s either just bad or awkward.

They try to add depth to her – but her dad (Ray Wise) killing himself isn’t interesting, nor is Olive’s acid trip talking to him. Sub-plot scenes featuring her mother, Crystal (Kim Delaney), living at a commune and hanging out with a fling (Johnny Pemberton) is more useless than anything.

This doesn’t work as a horror comedy, either. Some of the horror’s more visual and surreal than I’d expect for the simple horror premise and there are some seriously strange scenes, mostly in Harvey’s imagination. The kills aren’t memorable for a slasher film, and a lot of the scares are lazy. There is one scene that builds decent tension, though. There are more laughs than scares, but they’re merely chuckles and the film usually tries way too hard to be funny or the setups are bad. The finale setup is fine and feels like it could be good but then Harvey just goes back to millennial shaming.

Patrick’s performance doesn’t work because the character’s so bad, but he embodies manic and hateful here. But there’s a reason why no one likes that curmudgeonly old guy in the neighborhood. He’s just an asshole and so is Harvey. But unlike the Grinch or Clint Eastwood in “Gran Torino,there’s no redemption story here.

Score: 38/100

Gerald’s Game (2017)

 

Gerald’s Game. Directed by: Mike Flanagan. Starring: Carla Gugino, Bruce Greenwood, Henry Thomas. Runtime: 1h, 43 min. Released: September 29, 2017.

Spoiler warning! If you want to know as little as possible about the movie, come read this after you watch it. You’ve been politely warned.

“Gerald’s Game” is one of the few Stephen King novels that I don’t love. Some chapters are just super slow so I’m not big on the pacing, but it has good moments.

Me not loving the novel is one reason it’s taken me two years to watch this adaptation. But the bigger reason is I just forgot to add this to my Netflix queue. While the novel is sometimes boring, there’s almost always something interesting going on in the film. Director Mike Flanagan manages to make an unfilmable novel into something great.

Jessie Burlingame (Carla Gugino) and her husband Gerald Burlingame (Bruce Greenwood) go to their summer lake house before the summer season for some kinky sex games in order to spice up their marriage. Gerald handcuffs both Jessie’s hands to the bed frame, pops a couple Viagra and attempts to fulfill an off-putting fantasy… And then he has a heart attack.

Her husband dying on top of her is bad enough, but she’s cuffed to the bed with no way out. These aren’t novelty, porn shop cuffs, either. “These are the real deal. The others can just break if you get going too hard,” informs Gerald.

The setup itself is a horrifying situation. No neighbours for miles and no immediate way out… It’s a claustrophobic feeling, though the bedroom is huge. There are external terrors, too. One’s a starving dog that finds his way into the bedroom. A main one is the Moonlight Man, who I won’t spoil much about other than the name and say his introduction from the shadows is masterful. Director Mike Flanagan does a great job with the imagery like this, like the Moonlight Man and the solid red scenes during the solar eclipse.

Writer Mike Flanagan and co-writer Jeff Howard use foreshadowing so well in the screenplay and Flanagan’s direction is nothing short of brilliant. It’s brilliant in the tension he creates, as well as smaller moments of setting things up. An example, and only a miniscule spoiler, is when Gerald guides Jessie back into the house before sexcapades after Jessie puts a steak out for the dog (a $200 Kobe rib-eye, from Kobe, Gerald tells us). The dog watches from the comfortable distance of the edge of the woods as they go inside, and Jessie looks back at the open front door for a moment before going into the other hallway. Moments like these are smart. Even smarter is that Flanagan directs it with such ease and any little thing that happens appears to serve a purpose in the film now or it’s set up for later.

I often find one-location survival stories, usually like this, boring because the characters just talk to themselves and work through it – with some flashbacks sprinkled through. The structure works, but it’s not always enthralling, or entertaining, for that matter. That’s why I’m not huge on the novel – it’s just Jessie occasionally talking to herself, cuffed to the bed frame, thinking through the spot she’s in. It’s very internal and not always interesting. It also doesn’t come across as cinematic in the novel.

In the film, however, Flanagan and Howard make it feel completely unique and it gives a new meaning to talking to yourself. Gerald stays in the film because Jessie creates an Imagined Gerald that talks to her throughout. It’s a clever way to keep the great Bruce Greenwood involved, too. It does wonders for the pacing and adds depth to the characters. We don’t know a lot about the couple before they step into the bedroom because that all happens a little before the heart attack and through the exchanges with Imagined Gerald.

It appears to be the dynamic of their marriage in these exchanges. His belittling is like the self-doubt in her mind. It’s a fascinating dynamic because of that and lends itself to the themes of secrets and your past in the film, and just not knowing who you’re marrying. And boy, oh boy, does the story have secrets. These are revealed in Jessie’s past during a solar eclipse, featuring a good performance by Chiara Aurelia as a young Jessie and a memorable turn by Henry Thomas (also featured in Flanagan’s Netflix show “The Haunting of Hill House.”) The flashback aspect of the film is really the only story device that’s part of the survival film formula.

When Jessie’s trying to survive, in the present, there’s also another dynamic with a second version of Jessie, a stronger display of herself that helps her stay on track. I don’t mean to chuck out accolades to Carla Gugino last, because she does such a great job of carrying the weight of the film. She does a great job in horror scenes and is just as good in the dramatic ones, and she just sells the character of Jessie Burlingame. Everything she does on-screen you feel, especially when she’s anxious at the start of the sex game because of the handcuffs and his actions.

The horror itself is often creepy. It doesn’t rely on jump scares, which is refreshing, but often comes naturally from tense build-ups. It’s masterful and the expectation and things the film makes you imagine is very, very good. There’s also one scene that makes me insanely uncomfortable, and the film does its job because horror is good when it’s uncomfortable. Even besides the scares, some scenes are disturbing because of the subject matter.

Back to the character dynamic with herself for a second. The dynamic of Jessie, Second Jessie and Imagined Gerald is electric to watch on-screen. It honestly sounds like the set-up for a dumb joke, but a tableau of Jessie sleeping on the bed, Second Jessie and Imagined Gerald on either side of the bed, and the literally dead Gerald at the foot of the bed is one of my favourite shots in recent memory. It’s simple and makes the craziness of the situation settle in. It’s pictured below (from a screenshot I took on Netflix) and how cool is that?

Score: 80/100

 

 

Gerald's Game tableau

The Meg (2018)

Released: August 10, 2018. Directed by: Jon Turteltaub. Starring: Jason Statham, Bingbing Li, Rainn Wilson. Runtime: 1h 53 min.

The Meg is one of those movies that is just fun to review, almost like a stamina test for how long you can go without using a shark pun.

Jason Statham plays Jonas, a deep-sea rescue team member who goes back in the water to save a submersible stranded at the very bottom of the Marianas Trench.

The Mana One has made a discovery of an unknown ecosystem underneath the assumed bottom of the trench, which is a cold cloud that separates an ecosystem from the rest of the ocean. The characters stranded in the submersible are attacked by a 75-foot shark… *Jason Statham voice* The Megalodon!

There’s a lot of action right from that rescue in the visually cool underwater area, and it gets wilder after the Meg escapes. The degrees of the cloud shouldn’t let it escape, but the Meg, uh, finds a way.

I like that the filmmakers go back to the prehistoric age to find a foe that can challenge Jason Statham. It’s like they know no bad guy or modern shark can match him. “Meg versus man isn’t a fight, it’s a slaughter,” Statham says about the Megalodon.

Secretly, the Megalodon thinks the same thing about facing Statham. He’s just watched all The Transporter films and he’s ready. He even started to watch The Transporter Refueled but turned it off after 20 minutes when he realized it was a reboot. The Meg knows his tricks and won’t be charmed by his British accent.

Statham’s good in a movie that’s purely summer fun. I liked his character arc of everyone assuming he’s the one who leaves people behind, and he has a good chemistry with oceanographer Suyin (Bingbing Li). Her daughter Meiying (Shuya Sophia Cai) is adorable and gets a few chuckles.

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Jason Statham in The Meg. (IMDb)

The giant shark looks good and its colour is based off a great white, just one that’s been bulking up at the gym. Visually, the film’s decent, and we can see most of the action underwater. It feels long at nearly two hours and most of the action is stuff you’ve seen before but with a giant shark.

It’s not paced amazingly, but it has a charm about it and the characters learn quickly that a bigger boat isn’t going to help them because they’ll need a cruise ship. Their better weapon is their knowledge of Shark Week.

The deep-sea rescue missions are tense, and the action scenes pack a memorable bite. (I got 437 words in before a shark pun!) This just knows it’s a shark movie on steroids and embraces it, and it works. Some of the writing’s clever, too, as characters monologue with their backs turned to the ocean and you just totally expect them to get mauled like that certain someone in Deep Blue Sea.

Besides the action, it has some good character moments and a good cast of characters. Rainn Wilson (The Office) joins the party as billionaire Jack Morris who funds the Mana One. It’s nice that Dwight Schrute’s beet farm and bed and breakfast really took off. I’m sure he made all his money and then realized “marine biology beats beets” and switched fields. Jokes aside, he’s good as the dick-ish Morris.

Everyone in the cast has something to do for the most part. Though, when they’re gone, there’s so many characters that it doesn’t really matter. They’re all pretty good, from Ruby Rose playing Jaxx (her characters are so edgy I’m surprised they haven’t all been named Jaxx), to Ólafur Darri Ólafsson as The Wall.

You know you can’t take a movie completely seriously when there’s a character called The Wall. Come to think of it, it’s a missed opportunity that this isn’t The Wall vs. The Meg, because that sounds like the main event.

Score: 70/100